1. If they are boring on the first date, it’s okay if you forget their name.
There is nothing more abysmal than a boring first date. It’s worse than a bad first date because you don’t even have a funny story at the end of the night.
2. The number of times a Tinder date compliments your appearance during a first date decreases chances for a second date by 20% for every offense.
Seriously, it’s like, “Dude, we met on Tinder. Obviously, we find each other attractive.” If you’re going to comment on how I look, it better be thoughtful and specific.
3. If you like them, give them a hug at the end of the first date.
Men apparently have no idea what to do with this particular gesture of noncommittal affection. Keep them on their toes, err on the side of caution, and disappear shrouded in mystery.
4. A man who leaves the ball in your court is probably a good one.
Because jealousy, control freaks, and guys who need to call all the shots are way overrated. Being self-possessed is sexy.
5. Fuck being a rebound.
I’m pretty much positive 80% of Tinder is just looking for a rebound, but fair warning, if you like them, you better quit that shit before it hurts you.
6. Men who want to look you in the eye are a rarity.
Keep them around. In fact, having people around who make you question your complete avoidance of intimacy? Probably a good idea.
7. Don’t sleep with men who have girlfriends.
This should probably go without saying. But in the name of research, I’ve done it so you don’t have to! And let me just say, it’s a really really really bad idea. Don’t do it.
8. Never sleep with your bartender.
You’re predisposed to like him, especially if he buys all your drinks, and he will inevitably have a huge cock. Then, you do silly things like buying plane tickets, make bad choices, and well, it’s really just not a good time.
9. Misogynists are not always easy to spot.
And trust me, they can be especially hard to spot past their incredibly well-sculpted abs, great job, and BMW. But rest assured, even the most covert will eventually make it explicitly clear that they really are only interested in you being their dumb blonde trophy girlfriend. But remember…
10. You can always just leave.
Seriously. If you’re bored, uncomfortable, or over it, say so, and just go. Don’t waste your time. Besides, there’s something to be said for walking out of somebody’s apartment after midnight in a show of force and complete bratitude.
11. Bless your girlfriends who save you from bad dates.
Especially the ones who manage to connect you with a much hotter date in the process.
12. You probably shouldn’t date people just because they have a hot tenor voice.
Because not even singing a swoon-worthy Justin Timberlake is a good basis for a relationship.
13. You probably shouldn’t keep guys you’re not interested in (but who are packing) on speed dial.
…But then again, they make GREAT friends with benefits.
14. If you think you could be really good friends with someone immediately, fuck dating.
Dating sucks anyway. Don’t miss out on the potentially epic friendship.
15. Just say yes.
You might get invited to a pie tasting content that turns into a company party with an open bar. Or even just meet someone with lovely eyes and get to bask in the attention of a really nice guy for awhile. Either way, jackshit happens if you say no.
16. You’re predispositioned to fall in with a certain kind of guy – do what you will.
For me, my vagina can sense a software developer a mile away. Also, men with strong jaw lines, dark hair, glasses, and a penchant for social anxiety who fall for Manic Pixie Dream Girl types. Whoops.
17. You have to be careful with that tender heart.
It’s awfully easy to give it away to people who don’t deserve it.
18. One should fall in love as often as possible.
You never know if it will be the last time.
19. Frenchmen are everything they’re cracked up to be.
Highly engaged, attentive lovers who know they have to work to make it past a kiss on the cheek? Yep. Total manwhores who will say literally anything to fabricate a connection and get into your pants? YEP.
20. Italians are even more so.
See above. Add better communication skills and a warmer personality.
21. If they can’t kiss well, don’t expect them to do anything else well either.
22. You shouldn’t have to try so hard.
If you have to force it, it isn’t real.
23. When you find the right one, you should be willing to try.
Because when it’s there, holy hell, there’s nothing like it. It’s worth anything you can give it.