The more living you do, the more you have to say, to write about, to work with. Creativity – the more you do, the more you have. And sometimes, the longer you live, the less you are willing to accept from others as okay, as truth, as what’s right for you.
For a long time now, I’ve let things slip by. My acts of rebellion became smaller and less brave, until finally it all was too much. That suffocating feeling like you can’t move, you can’t breathe, you can’t trust yourself. I’ve been withdrawn, watching on the sidelines instead of writing and designing my own way through it all of this. And I was wrong.
It’s time to start following my truth in a way I never have before. Alone.
This is my declaration of separation and acceptance of aloneness. And in accepting this aloneness, this sometimes loneliness, and fresh perspective, I’m finding everything I’ve needed and only some of the ghosts I’ve been afraid of.
More than anything, I’m realizing I feel so full. With hope, with gratitude, with possibility.
There are so many people I’m thankful for in helping me get to this point. My kids, supportive friends and family, incredible colleagues, and new and unexpected friends. You all know who you are. You have helped me push through my fears, and I don’t know I could have done this without each and everyone one of you.
In the grand scheme of things, this is so small. This isn’t killing anyone. This isn’t the first time this has happened. This isn’t taking anything I don’t need away from me. This isn’t the end of me.
I will be okay. I am okay.
It’s not a justification – it’s a surprising and miraculous discovery at the end of several draining weeks.
This is the beginning of a beautiful dismantling.
Divorce sounds so heavy and awful – no wonder Gwyneth wanted a different way to talk about it. I’m not looking for anyone’s acceptance or approval with this choice. What I am looking for is more – more adventure, more travel, more writing, more passion, more music – and it is already coming my way.
I no longer have a husband, but when all is said and done, I might still have a friend. I know I’ll still be a part of a supportive coparenting situation where we can trust each other with the most important thing to either of us because we ended it before we hated and resented each other too much to turn back.
The next chapter of my life is here. It’s tantalizing sexy good so far, like it’s just been waiting for me to catch up, throw my arms in the air, and say yes.
And I can’t wait for more.